For some reason, Halloween this year made me reflective. It made me think about where and how I was last year, as opposed to now.

Last year, I was so hopeful. I was hopeful about a boy, about some new friendships, about my job, my new apartment and about the life I had started to carve out here, in the bay area. I wasn’t making much money, and my relationship with my family wasn’t so great, but I was having fun. I was excited. I was thinking that my move back home was a good thing, the right thing to have done.

Life was a little simpler, then. Everything was new, and I didn’t have many expectations. I was simply enjoying the flow of the river and waiting to see where it would take me. Of course, sometimes that same river required a delicate touch and a good map. Small town rules, politics and social spheres can be difficult to navigate, and easy to entangle and entrap a person.

Where the river has taken me was certainly unexpected. Life is more difficult, more complicated, in that I have to choose what I hold on to, and what I let go. What is worth it? Who is worth it? I hate that I have to make that decision. I hate that the water is murky and muddied, when once it was clear.

Some of the hopes that I had last year fizzled away, and some were crushed. There are new questions, and some old questions that were never answered. There have been beautiful, lazy days of cruising in the placid waters, and there have been some rough rapids. The river is an interesting ride, to say the least.

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